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Don’t fuckin’ FAINT or anything, BUT…

Posted by Anntichrist S Coulter on February 17, 2011 – 11:35 pm

I’M ***FINALLY*** GOING THE FUCK HOME!!!!!!

I shit y’all not.  As soon as I can find actual humans to help me with the driving & heavy lifting, I’M MOVING BACK TO NEW ORLEANS, FINALLY, AFTER ALL OF THESE YEARS OF BITCHING, MOANING AND COMPLAINING!!!!!

I know, it’s a huge relief for y’all who’ve stuck with me through the past 8 years of PURE FUCKING HELL up here in West Redneckistan, and I’d never have survived without y’all, as you more than know.  Fuck, if it weren’t for Redcane, I wouldn’t have made it down there yesterday to sign the damned lease, as my truck battery was dead and the gas tank was empty.

It’s all-new construction (yes, I know how guilty I am for moving-into a new privately-owned but gubmint-subsidized property, considering how many public housing units were DESTROYED so that Ray Nagin could collect those kickbacks from the carpetbagging scum-suckers who profited from the GENOCIDE of Katrina), energy-efficient (if I still had my wunnerful ol’ pre-NAFTA Kenmore washer & dryer, they have HOOK-UPS!), small and a duplex, but I can handle it.  And I’ll actually be able to let the cats OUTSIDE without worrying about little sociopathic Bebe’s Kids KILLING or torturing them, though they WILL have to be supervised, since every redneck on earth, and rednecks come in every color, GETS OFF ON KILLING BLACK CATS.  Don’t believe me?  Ask the New Orleans SPCA.

I’ll be in the wind for the next three weeks, ’cause that’s all I have to vacate THIS ramshackle piece of shit, but I *will* be checking e-mail as often as possible, and will be sharing the new addy & phone # as soon as I get settled.  Not PUBLICLY, of course, but only my friends ever come here anymore anyway.  And maybe 3 lurkers.  It’s the moving process itself that’s gonna be a bitch.  The “Start Corp” people who helped me with the deposit on the new apartment WERE going to find me muscle and a truck, but now they’re not.  Teh Fallen Uterus has promised to pay for a moving truck, but if I can’t find anybody to do the moving, I’m still screwed.  I’m not 33 anymore, y’know? I can’t do this the way that I did the move to Miami for no good fucking reason.  SO IF ANYBODY WANTS TO VOLUNTEER, I can’t promise you any cash, but I’ll feed ya and we’ll find you an inflatable mattress to sleep on, as I haven’t had a couch in YEARS.  I would offer beer, but that’s outta my budget, too.

It’s the middle of the month, I’ve been broke for over a week after paying-off my utilities & rent here in hell, so the old buy-a-coupla-cases-of-beer-and-a-pizza approach to recruiting is not only unlikely to work, not just since I don’t have any local friends to do that to, but because I CAN’T SWING THE BEER OR THE PIZZA.

In other words, if y’all wanna fix one of the great injustices of the world (or, at least, in OUR sphere of reality), I NEED HELP. I already have a key, and as of tomorrow, the electricity will be turned-on (so that fucking ENTERGY can DOUBLE-DIP on me!!!), I just need to GET MY SHIT THERE.  It’d be nice if my former “home healthcare helpers” hadn’t been thieving cunts, ’cause I’d already have help in-house, but they were and I don’t.  If any of y’all have teenagers who are a pain in your ass that you’d like to loan-out for a few days, that’d be appreciated, but if they give me shit, they sleep in the bed of the truck.  My very own quasi-adopted sorta-daughter is giving me the “work & school” excuse, so SHE ain’t coming to help.  Heifer.  As y’all well know, I haven’t “had” any “nieces”/”nephews” or access to my great-nieces & great-nephews since Teh Dick died, so it’s not like any of those lazy twunts are gonna show up. Fuck, only 2 of ‘em helped me move to Miami, and the redheaded traitor made me drive her back (THAT’S A THOUSAND MILES EACH WAY!!!) THE NEXT FUCKING DAY!!!!!!!!!! Not ’cause she missed her toddler son, but because she missed her BOYFRIEND, aka, not the baby-daddy.

26 years of effort, back-breaking playing the “human jungle-gym,” love, concern, clothing, heirlooms that they NEVER fucking appreciated or took care of, half the money I ever fucking made, and so forth, and the little cunts turn on me like rabid akitas because they’re stoopid enough to think that protecting their felonious “parents” from THE TRUTH and WHAT THEY DESERVE, otherwise known as FUCKING ME OVER, means that they’ll someday inherit something from teh Dick’s death.

But all of that shit is for another rant.  I’m trying to work up the energy to do the happy-happy-joy-joy nekkid dance of retribution & righteous triumph out in the street, but I’m too fucking sore & tired from having been down there yesterday.  Whether I do the cripplingly-painful driving or not, it’s a LONG FUCKING RIDE nowadays.  I used to do that stretch in less than 50 minutes and not feel a THING, but that was a LONG fucking time ago.  And the slower that the other person/medicaid subcontractor drives, the longer it takes and THE MORE IT FUCKING HURTS. I’m sure as HELL in no shape to drive a stick-shift moving truck anymore, though I used to enjoy the hell out of it.  If I was a horse, they’d have shot me back in ’95.

So, if there’s anybody out there who is ABLE to help, I’d sure as hell appreciate the gas money to get me & my shit to New Orleans. Fucking Entergy wants a motherfucking SEVENTY-DOLLAR FUCKING DEPOSIT to move my fucking service, the CUNTS, because “it’s in another parish,” which is UTTER HORSESHIT.  It’s a fucking SCAM, as per the usual, like how WE’RE STILL paying-off the Katrina, Ike, Rita & Gustav damage to THEIR fucking equipment, which was INSURED ANYFUCKINGWAY!!!!!!  No telling how badly Bellsucks is going to try to fuck me up with the move, but I sure as fuck won’t be switching to COX, the evil motherfucking MONOPOLY who BOUGHT THE MAYOR’S OFFICE FOR THAT GENOCIDAL BITCH-BOY TOOL RAY NAGIN.

Shutting up now, got a migraine like a motherfucker.  Yes, an actual rant/commentary/editorial column IS still en route soon, just don’t know when.  January was 20 years since I first moved to New Orleans, not knowing anybody, not having a clue as to how anything in a REAL city worked, not having a fucking dime to my name…  and here I am, right back where I was then.  The only person that I could call a friend, who was still IN New Orleans after I left, Barry Cowsill, well, he’s been dead since August 29th, 2005.  There are a couple other people who were my friends but with whom I’d lost touch (dontcha just LOVE people who fall off of the fucking PLANET on ya??), but I have no idea how to find them now, and the rest of the motherfuckers that I “knew” are back-stabbing scumbags who wouldn’ t piss on me if my face was on fire, though I certainly look forward to pissing upon THEIR graves.  Yup, this is the city that I’ve missed so much for so long.  Don’t worry, I’ll find my tribe again, I always did.  I’ve been through a lot of lives in this life, and somehow, even though I don’t really go looking for them, “my” people always seem to find me.  Helluva lot easier when you’re in CIVILIZATION, as opposed to redneck subdivision-land.

Cross yer fingers & knock on wood for me, k?


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  1. 1. mentisfugit Said:

    “If any of y’all have teenagers who are a pain in your ass that you’d like to loan-out for a few days, that’d be appreciated, but if they give me shit, they sleep in the bed of the truck.”

    Your terms are acceptable, but there’s the small complication of passports. I’m afraid the chocolate will have to do.

    Congratulations on going Home.

  2. 2. Anntichrist S Coulter Said:

    DAMMIT!!! SO close… *sigh* I wish to hell that at least ONE of y’all was within driving distance, ’cause I got fuck-all for help, at least until the day that I get the big moving truck, but thus far, only Oyster (Your Right-Hand Thief) has volunteered to help me load-out and get to to NOLA, and I can’t drive all that way by myself anymore!!!! I’d try to hire somebody, but with what? Yes, Mirele and Gappy & Garoyle & Realist & Pointy-Paws have all kicked-in what they have, and without Redcane I wouldn’t have had a WORKING battery the other day OR the gas to get down there to sign the lease.

    I have enough gas money for the moving truck, but I need to make a load-small-enough-to-fit-into-my-dinky-assed-stepside-bed run down there beforehand, like, as soon as possible, so that I can memorize the fucking route and at least not be wasting ALL of the fucking electricity in TWO fucking apartments!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    As I put it earlier, I’ve got the truck & gas for it covered, but no MUSCLE, to paraphrase the ever-so-sexy Frank N. Furter.

    I NEED BODIES DOWN HERE, PEOPLE!!!! I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHO THEY BELONG TO OR WHAT HAPPENS TO ‘EM AFTERWARDS, JUST GET ME ***PEOPLE***!!!!!!!!!!!!

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