OH HOLY RATFUCK!!!!!!
Bad enough that last month I missed our BiblioHo, Tammy-Tam-Tam’s birfday, but THIS MONTH, I completely clusterfucked MENTIS FUGIT’S BIRFDAY!!!!!! I won’t mention a number, that’s up to him, but I thought that his birfday was on the FIFTEENTH, as in TOMORROW, but it was actually THE TWELFTH!!!!!! I R FUCKTARDED. And now he & Frau Mentis are off on their 25th anniversary holiday, and no telling WHEN he’ll see this and realize that I didn’t fuck-up his birfday post ON PURPOSE. I’m just STOOPID.
Happy happy joy joy happy happy joy joy and all that rot, honey, here’s hoping that you & the loverly Frau are enjoying the hell out of Australia and that when you DO see this, you’ll be glad to see it, rather than pissed that I fucked it up. Give Frau Mentis all of our love, and congrats on the 25th anniversary! And, y’know, getting into geezerhood yerself personally… heh heh heh…
And before I fuck HERS up, I hafta mention our beloved Mags, aka Sitara, who is almost a month older than TEH FALLEN UTERUS, come HER birfday on the 31st!!!!!! Can’t help it, I hadda whip that one out on her ONE of these days, the heifer still owes me a vibrating rubber ducky! But we loves you, Mags, and wish you all of the bestest things on earth, like YOUR OWN PBS COOKING SHOW, as I’ve been saying for many a fuckin’ moon…
Butchy’all know what IS the big-skeery-important event on the 15th (not “ON TOMORROW,” as way too many lingual idiots are saying nowadays!!!)?!?!?! Our nearly, dearly-beloved REDCANE is going under the knife tomorrow, Cali time, so BE THINKING GOOD THOUGHTS FOR HIM ALLLLLL DAMNED WEEK LONG!!!!!! Even if y’all don’t know Redcane like I do, please share yer love with him nonetheless, as y’all have bottomless wealths of love that you’ve always shared with me. (and yes, I realize the grammatical clusterfuck there, but just go with it, it works for me!)
Welp, that’s all the excitement for tonight. I actually paid most of my bills this month, so I will, once again, be WAY the fuck FAR BEHIND on delivering ANYBODY’S birfday prezzies, as has become the usual. I haven’t delivered a birfday prezzie since FEBRUARY, as it’s FIVE TIMES MORE EXPENSIVE TO DO EVERYFUCKINGTHING IN NEW ORLEANS. Rent, utilities, gasoline, phone bills, and the cunts @ Entergy STILL think that I’m gonna pay for some THIEVING DOUCHEBAG IN CRACKERY ZACHARY TO KEEP USING MY ACCOUNT NUMBER TO GET FREE ELECTRICITY!!!!!!! They can suck my euphemistic cock and suck a fart outta my ass at the same time. And don’t get me started on what passes for a “food bank” box around here… I gotta move to a better neighborhood, even if it’s on Claiborne Avenue. Hey, THOSE projects have a fuckin’ POOL!!! And maybe the Food Stamp office will actually RECEIVE MY MAIL if I send it from there, as opposed to Back Bumfuck, where I am now. Anyway, the pool: my dear darling physical therapy douchebag has TAKEN AWAY FROM ME for making some fucking PROGRESS. Yeah, that makes sense.
Anyway, much as I hate myself on a regular basis, I must once ago subject y’all all to my ugliest display of loserness possible, in rattling the collection plate like a fucking faith healer, and I don’t even give anybody the adrenaline rush & endorphin O.D. that they get from a charismatic pseudo-jeebus frenzy.
Or as my once-again-disowned-me-former-friend expressed recently, here I go, abusing my joke of a pathetic little two-bit blog where I’ve accomplish NOTHING since Hurricane Gustav and haven’t written a decent word since they put me back onto the fucking narcotics.
But if ANYBODY has five or ten bucks that they wouldn’t mind sharing, that they can AFFORD to share, I’d be most grateful, as I’m down to the seven bucks in my wallet. Thanks, y’all. And most of all, thanks to my faithful few who still ARE around, ’cause y’all are the best. The ones who’ve bailed? Fuck ‘em. I can’t hang with a buncha pussies anyway.
(BTW, the picture isn’t OF or ABOUT Mentis, it’s one of the best get-well prezzies I’ve ever gotten, FROM Mentis…)
August 21st, 2011 at 5:05 am
speaking of rubber duckies….I saw an ad for this site yesterday… http://BatteryBliss.com haven’t checked it out so cant comment on the products lol and wouldn’t know if it was a good selection or not anyway…
August 21st, 2011 at 5:57 am
Welllll, now I know what I want for *my* birfday… heh heh heh… But the point of the vibrating duck isn’t so much taking-it-outta-teh-package-and-wearing-it-OUT as is is a DECORATIVE function. My whole bathroom is done-up in rubber duckies, Devil Duckies and the only Celebri-Duck that I ever got, of Mae West, though I’ll always want that W.C. Fields duck to go with her! Tater gave me rubber duckies for xmas, 2 years in a row, and that’s what started the collection, especially after Archie McPhee led me down the dark and giggly path of Devil Duckies…
Does anybody know how to get nicotine out of a shower curtain? I’ve washed my Devil Duckies curtain in the machine TWICE, and it is STILL as yellow as LBJ’s fingernails. It’s not like I spend THAT much time in there, so I dunno why all of the nicotine gravitates to my loverly shower curtain, but it’s annoying.
Hey, I’m to the point of going back to selling plasma (no, I ain’t gonna bring-up the sarcoid, duh, I’m IN REMISSION!) this month, because I hadda shell-out fifty bucks for that fucking “defensive driving” certificate for the Crackery Zachary bigots-R-us neo-nazi-on-training-wheels “cop” who pulled me over for DRIVING WHILE LIBRUL. If I think about how broke I am, I wanna open a vein in a way that won’t make me any money, so I’d rather talk about vibrating rubber ducks.
BTW, I know that I tend to fixate/nag about this little tiny point of etiquette, but if you’re gonna RE-GIFT something that someone who loves you GAVE YOU, do them the favor of never fucking TELLING THEM!!! Not pointing any fingers or naming any names, just saying. Nobody wants to buy any of the cheap little dollar-two-dollar loose stones that I’ve gotten over the years, so I’m selling silver jewelry, but none that any of y’all have ever given me. The first thing that goes is a pair of silver heart-shaped (yeah, I know, *GAG!*, but I was dain-bramaged and it was the first time that my “mother” had EVER taken me shopping!) earrings from the long-gone Chandler’s Clothing Store of what used to be Klan Central but is now Klan Central Bedroom Community and those stores where I could never have anything are all gutted & defaced & destroyed to make “antiques” & “collectables” junk shops/overpriced yard sales. Yes, I blame Antiques Roadshow.
Anyway, after I get outta P/T on Monday, I hope to make it to the jewelry store before they lock-up and can buy cat food and litter to get us through the month.
MOST IMPORTANTLY: Yup, Terrible, you have been sorely missed, esp. since they’re re-running the PBS/POV flick “The Chicago 10″ right now, and are seriously needed around here, but ALSO: I still haven’t heard a peep outta Redcane, who went in for serious cancer surgery this past week, and was supposed to be home and upright by yesterday. Trying like all hell to not freak the fuck out, but worrying nonetheless. So any good karma points that y’all have saved-up (we all know what MY deficit is…), could *Y’ALL* please send some of that goodwill in Redcane’s direction in Cali? Send him love and healing and whatever kind of chemical electricity that you can gin-up, please, not just ’cause I ask, but for him, the man who’s basically kept me alive for more than a couple years, if y’all remember The Great Search For Toofuses. Not just because of what he’s done for me, which is no small fucking thing, but because he is one of the biggest and greatest hearts that I have ever known, even though we’ve never even spoken on the phone.
We now return you to your eager shopping for vibrating bunnies, bullets & the like… XOXOXO