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Be glad that your birfday doesn’t fall on THIS Tuesday…

Posted by Anntichrist S Coulter on February 18, 2012 – 9:08 am

Sincere & heartfelt apologies for so many of my nearest & dearest whose birfdays that I have missed celebrating already this month.  Seriously.  I know that it’s a lame-assed excuse, but I’ve never been served with an eviction notice personally before (my 17th birfday being another story entirely), so I’ve been preoccupied with shit that nobody wants to know about.

On the 10th, I missed the birfday of undoubtedly one of the coolest chicks on earth, seeing as how she & her family have allowed me to feel like I have an “extra” family in New Zealand:  Mrs. Die Frau Mentis, aka our own Mentis’ much-beloved wife.

And like an ass, I also forgot to send so much as an e-card on the 11th to one of the bestest friends ever to be found on teh innernets toobs, our own hell-raising Yankee, TERRIBLE, a man who makes Grizzly Adams look like a sissy and makes me look…  well, let’s just say, “bashful” sometimes…  heh.  Love ya Ted.  Sorry I cocked-up yer birfday.

Speaking of “not exactly bashful”… I also fucked-up and failed to commemorate, on the 13th (what was it with y’all Boomers’ parents and fucking in THE SAME DAMNED *WEEK* in May?!?!?), the appearance of the one & only Realist on our planet.  It ain’t been the same ever since…  heh.  Hey, if it weren’t for him, we wouldn’t be here @, would we?  We’d still be fucking-around with those censor-happy Google-globe-eating-monstrous-megacorporation dog-fuckers @ BLOGGER!!!  On my “budget,” we didn’t have many options, all twelve people who still visit this joint, did we?

At least I have not yet shorted the nearly-and-dearly-beloved Larkspur of commenting fame here & @ World O’Crap, whose birfday falls on the 24th. I think that she’s going to be 39ish this year, lucky heifer, she looks it, at any rate…  in case anyone might not know her, that’s YOUR loss, ’cause she’s one helluva woman, a very acerbic commenter and commentator, funnier than all hell and a true-blue friend.

EDIT: MASSIVE APOLOGIES to Larkspur AND KWillow, as I have no fucking CLUE as to how I combined them into ONE PERSON.  No excuse for it, just pure stupidity. Hope that both of y’all can forgive me. Not the first time that I’ve been confused as to real-life identities and mixing-up online nics  —  to this day, I still miss the fuck out of Mentata & Melior since the Katy, TX picture fuckup.  It was sent to me from a personal account that I couldn’t correlate with an online nic (never having seen said friend’s real name before!), so I inadvertently credited Mentis with it.  And have never heard from or seen the other two ever since.  So I hope to hell that THIS fux-pas won’t end-up with me losing two MORE friends. Can’t promise that it won’t ever happen again, just hope to hell that I can do better.

(Continuing, before the edit…) Granted, everybody on this list is, but I figured that that was a given, seeing as how my friends’ birfdays are my only real “holidays,” aside from dressing-up when I can for Halloween.  Nope, not a Wiccan, nothing against them (unless they start with that “I’m gonna HEX you!” bullshit, ’cause THEN rather heavy objects tend to become airborne, and not through “magick,” either!), and my only experience with Satanists is that they are one of THE most pathetic cults on earth (though those castrati idiots in California with the Nikes rival them for the title…  Westboro-NEVER-BEEN-BAPTIST-santorum-Spewing-So-Called-“Church” isn’t on the “pathetic” list, they’re on the ALMOST-AS-EVIL-AS-DICK-FUCKING-CHENEY List!!!), they don’t tend to bathe as often as, say, people in Fiji, where all that wonderful spring water is VERBOTEN to the locals, who can’t even get SANITARY SEWERAGE (for those of you who still drink that, albeit glorious, evil-dictator-enriching water who might not know yet  —  look it up @ Mother Jones, doubters), and they take Rammstein WAY too fucking seriously.  I just like Halloween ’cause it used to be FUN and the ONE holiday that they hadn’t whored-out to cheapskate fucking TOURISTS who DON’T TIP OR SPEND ANY MONEY ON LOCALS, just on made-in-Taiwan/China plastic SHIT from the hideous strip-malls formerly known as St. Charles Avenue & Canal Street.  Bitter?  Moi?  Perish the thought.

I wish you all another 30 years, or as many or few as you desire, of happiness, ever-increasing wealth & accomplishment, problems solved & dictators toppled, and promise that I’ll never be this slack-ass wif your birfdays again, even if I have to bathe @ the library.  Hey, free wifi!

And yes, I may well write again, someday, especially after the disgusting crabs-like PLAGUE known as Mardi Gras motherfuckers leaves town.  Yes, I know, 15 or 20 decent human beings might show up, but if y’all ain’t ever had to WORK in the Quarter for MG or Jazz Fest, you JUST DON’T FUCKIN’ KNOW. Yeah, we need the money, but it’s not like it’s ever been or will ever be EQUITABLY-DISTRIBUTED.  Did I mention that the motherfuckers DON’T TIP?!!!? They’d rather go to a $5 beer stall with no health certification that tip a hardworking bartender, wait-staff or dominatrix.  Of any and all sexes.  And they tend to treat EVERY woman in New Orleans like she’s PUBLIC PROPERTY and/or automatically some “whore” who was “asking for it” JUST BY LEAVING THE FUCKING HOUSE. And fuck a buncha “Drugged/Drunk Girls Gone Ripped-Off” motherfuckers AND Snoop, the rat-bastids.

Stay sober during the Amateur Drinking Hours, kids.  Y’all know.  And stay the hell off the roads if you can help it.

P.S.: Before anybody freaks out about the big-assed motherfucking rain band/tornado-spawning storm headed this way, DON’T!!! The worst of it will hit the “Nawth Shaw” nouveau-riche white trash who TELL people that they’re “from New Orleans,” but wouldn’t be caught DEAD associating with, “y’know, THOSE types of people” —  direct fucking quote. So I have no pity for them, sorry.  BUT: you don’t have to be a weather channel-junkie to know that it’s gonna be a biiiiggggg bitch.  Just watch the birds.  Out here in the boonies end of Orleans Parish, there’s a LOT of flat, empty land (used to be NEIGHBORHOODS, but the Waste Management & other assorted landfill fucks won’t let THAT happen again!) over which I’ve already observed this morning @ first light, DOZENS of actual HERONS (not impossible this far inland, but not common), WAY more bald eagles than we should see (they do love the fishing south of here, well, what’s LEFT OF IT), hawks, and yup, I even saw a pair of pelicans.  Dunno if they were natives or the filler browns that we had to bum off of Florida after BP’s INTENTIONAL GULF GENOCIDE, but they didn’t look AMUSED IN THE FUCKING LEAST.  Pelicans are generally coasters, great wingspan, catching thermals, generally fucking-around until they see sea food and/or tourists with sammiches.  This pair was, for lack of a better analogy, FLYING LIKE BATS OUTTA HELL. Yeah.  Not good.  So, sadly, no, I’ve not gotten my shit moved outta here before the cunts change the locks YET, but I don’t think that we’re in any bigger danger than the ruination of a parade by the most evil super-krewe ever formed, by the most-evil beady-eyed redneck, flat-headed Buddy-Roemer-wannabe-neanderthal, sexist-pig motherfucker who ever owned a radio station (and yes, I’m INCLUDING Galloways in that!), so all in all, WIN-WIN for me! (Nope, never going back to Mardi Gras.  12 years and I still don’t miss it.  ONE good thing about being back in THESE boonies.)

P.P.S:  ^^^DAMMITDAMMITDAMMITALLTOREDNECKISTAN!!!!!!^^^ Again, fucking sue me, but if I deserve any schadenfreude, dammit, it oughta come out of THAT minor-league politician’s flat, flagging, lily-white ASS.  I know, not a pretty cartoon to put in y’all’s  heads, but life, like Mardi Gras, ain’t purdy.  And fuck yes, the super-krewe got to ROLL and party their nouveau-riche-white-trash asses OFF.  Karma is just too fucking SLOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I’m grateful that, as of 10A Sunday morning, I’ve not seen nor heard of any loss of life or property for all us “innocent bystanders,” as vacuous & inexact a phrase as that is, but fuck, if a storm system that big is going to run through the neighborhood, it oughta do SOMETHING besides skeer the shit out of my Biddy cat.

And no, I don’t USUALLY freak out when celebrities self-destruct, but dammit, the woman is DEAD a fucking WEEK ALREADY, you fucking media-whore VULTURES.  Let the bitch REST already. There were a lot of things wrong with Whitney, she was no “angel,” but dammit, when I was 16/17ish, even still in the same house as THEM, she was HOPE, dammit, for several generations of ambitious girls & women.  Don’t ever believe that ANYBODY in this country got rich or famous/infamous without CONNECTIONS and/or MONEY, and I don’t just mean the ones that come with diamond-studded kneepads.  Their agents will always portray even the most-talented people, when they first break, as having “struggled” for it for years, eating ramen noodles and living in cars, etc., but truuustttt me, the last time that a true “unknown” made it big was when Judy Holliday was cast in Adam’s Rib, and even that was a favor of the great Katherine Hepburn.  But I am so fucking sick of the fucking RED-CARPET-styled FRENZY of celebutards & vultures who get exposure & money by picking the bones of REAL stars, before the bodies are even cold.  Plant the woman, please, and let her fucking REST.  I’m so sick of this shit.

It’s like unknowingly tuning-in to a syndicated rerun of “The Closer,” and it just HAS to be the episode where she has to have her long-loved, long-haired, beautiful Kitty put to sleep.  At least HER long-haired (fictional) baby got to LIVE THAT LONG, and she got to hold her when it ended.  Hell, y’all know how it feels, to lose an animal “child” and/or a human child.  You never “get over” that shit, nobody does.  I can only imagine what Biddy must be feeling and thinking, she’s never been as open as her brother, she will always be feral in her thinking, even I have to WORK to get her to express anything besides snotty derision or food hunger.  I wish that I knew where she & I were headed, so that I could at least try to give her THAT much hope, and because she’s starting to get a little chest rattle, because she can never spend as much time outside as either of us would like.  I know that she misses her bubbe, but dammit, she is NOT going to leave me or this planet, I don’t care WHAT it takes.  Sorry to end on such a bummer note, but, well, kids, that’s fucking life.  Or not.

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  1. 1. Terrible Said:

    Sorry I didn’t comment sooner Annti! And please don’t worry about missing my bday. I know you’ve got way more shit to worry about this month then a person should ever have to worry about. Delilah, Josie and I all wish good health for Biddy. And hope like hell you can finally find a good friendly comfortable place for you both! Wish I could buy that island for you today!!

  2. 2. Anntichrist S Coulter Said:

    Nothing to apologize for, Terrible. And there’s no comparing the clusterfucks in our lives, everybody’s pain is pain. Whether it’s work, “family,” slumlords, scumbag coppers writing bullshit tickets, whatever, it’s bad for EVERYBODY’S blood pressure.

    Give my & Biddy’s love (yes, she’s still a snot, but she IS capable of love, dammit) to your girls, k? I get Her Majesty outside as often as possible, for grazing & (relatively) fresh air, but she’s the one who decides the durations, y’know? Bossy ol’ coot. I just wanted all my birfday peeps (one of whom I totally fucked-up, hope that they can both forgive me!) to know that I didn’t TOTALLY forget!

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