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Update 072512 & AbFab comeback

Posted by Anntichrist S Coulter on July 26, 2012 – 5:45 pm

Update 072512:  41.75 Years of Failure & an AbFab comeback



Few things send me on a depression/self-pity spiral faster than seeing another AbFab comeback, watching those two brilliant women do what only they can do, in a genre where there are no competitors or comparable “talents”  —  a genre that Jennifer Saunders & Dawn French created, and Jen & Joanna Lumley carved into the granite of the public psyche for the past 19 years.  Almost as painful as watching Tina Fey feted by the Lincoln Center, before she or I were even FORTY.  Bitches living the life that I studied for, busted my ass to earn, and have nothing to show for any of it.

A quick aside, and then a return to the nervous breakdown:  Massive and indelible thanks, gratitude & love to all of you wunnerful hoomins who have kept me alive and semi-afloat since I became a homeless person, and for many a moon before.  Scott & Mary & Sheri of World O’Crap, as well as new friend Debbi Mack, who introduced me to a whole new loverly plethora of warm, kind, magnanimous friends, to whom I still owe an assload of thank-you letters, but, like all things over the past 2 years, I have no fucking idea when I’ll catch the fuck up on THAT, either.  I suck.  How in the fuck that I have ANY friends, I have no fucking idea, especially since I haven’t been anything even REMOTELY approaching “reliable” or “true” or “compassionate” towards any of my friends, whether casual, brand-new, or long-standing and dearly-beloved  —  in the past couple of years+plus.  The more fucked-up my life becomes, whether because of bigoted persecution day-in/day-out for 5 years or 15 months, or being nearly raped by a 300+ lb. crackhead b/c the COKEHEAD EX-CONVICT @ The Mardi Gras RV Park, Campground & Red Carpet Motel-cum-whorehouse on Chef Menteur Highway (504-  ) is having yet another paranoid-schizophrenic moment and SHOVING ME OUT OF THE OFFICE @ 12A, whilst my computer, MagLite, purse, LARGE POCKET KNIFE, etc., are LOCKED INSIDE OF SAID OFFICE  —  anyway, whether I’m being discriminated against by the thug-racist-psycho-cunts of the Michaels Corporation @ Desire/”Savoy Place II” (504-940-3060), like the sociopathic stalker-freak “social worker” CUNTIE (She spells it, “Connie,” I like my version better, it suits her) or the thinks-that-we-have-a-special-“relationship” allegedly-married-to-a-“man” big ol’ bulldogger* named Beatrix, I can’t be of any practical use or help or support or encouragement or even deliver on my dearly-beloved friends’ birfdays.  Which I really really fucking hate, because atheists don’t have that many holidays, do we?  We can’t really send out assloads of Xmas prezzies, I really hate to contribute to the Black Friday consumerist-freakout-material-orgy bullshit, and even Spring Equinox celebrations are splattered by the cathlick perversion of Teh Return Of ZOMBIE JEEBUS, chocolate bunnies & marshmallow chicks.  Don’t have anything against the junk food, obviously, just the aggregation/avaricious theft of a perfectly innocent astronomical event by the masterworks/jewelry/antiques/etc.-thieving twunts @ the Vatican.  Don’t get me started on THOSE motherfuckers and what they’ve KEPT via Hitler’s “donations” from the homes of murdered Gypsies, gays/lesbians/etc. and Jews, I’ll never get back on-topic.

Where was I?  Yeah, Debbi and all of her wunnerful readers & buddies who reached-out to a total fucking stranger when I was evicted, and I’ve yet to properly thank all of them to this day.  Just please know that I’ve never forgotten, and if I can’t find Debbi’s e-mail addy to send this to, would someone please forward it to her?  She is a truly remarkable and tougher-than-a-pine-knot woman whom I do truly admire.

Then there are all of my close friends, y’all wunnerful mofos who have put up with me for months or years or decades, and still keep coming back for more of the clusterfuck that seems to approximate what’s left of my “life.”  I don’t know how y’all do it, honestly.  Or why.  As awed and knocked flat on my ass as I am by the extent of y’all’s amazing generosity, the amount, when it comes to love & intent, isn’t nearly as important as the love and faith that y’all have never ceased to shower upon me, little as I deserve it.  Going all the way back to Neal-O, whom I’ve missed terribly, despite our spats, to Officer Phil (and that’s going WAY back!); Sitara, my dear heart for lo, these many moons; Cat, the brave broad in the mountains of Colorado who’s, thankfully, dodged the wildfires this year, and a woman with FLAWLESS taste in lingerie;  Candice my semi-surrogate not-quite-“Daughter” & her fiancé’ Daniel, who put me up for over a week without bloodshed; Anthony of, the ONLY friend in NOLA who ever showed up (And ALWAYS showed up!!) to help me move my shit into that overpriced storage unit (great people who work there, but the prices are obscene), AND who’s trying his damnedest to wean me off of real cigarettes so that, if I am ever to find a home again, I can have another pet SOMEDAY without giving it lung cancer like I did my babies, Biddy & Boy; oh, jeeebus this is just the tip of the gratitude iceberg…  Where was I?

So many people to thank, so few brain cells with which to achieve it:  Meem, the only person from UNO who still loves me & talks to me, and who paid the majority of the crematorium bill for Biddy, thankfully & despite my orders to the contrary; the now long-lost Mentis, whom I miss terribly but haven’t heard a peep from since…  February?  Many many e-mails & queries sent, but nary a quill-mark in return.  Wish I knew what went wrong, but whatever his reasons, I will always treasure the friendship that he did give me for lo, those many moons, and to the bottomless depths of his humor, as one of the few people on earth who could make me laugh until I cry when I would much rather be killing myself.  He is uniquely gifted in many ways, but that was my favorite.  The inimitable Realist, who’s reached-out to save my ass and my computers so many times, I’ve lost count, but I will never forget everything that he has gone WAY the fuck out of his way to do, to not only keep me and the tattered remnants of this blog alive, but to also be one helluva friend and the best tech support on this continent.  Another longstanding friend/damned-near-martyr (because of the hell that I’ve dragged him through with me, and his unwavering faith, trust & support of me despite all of it), Redcane  —  he doesn’t talk much in the comments, but he’s one friend that I will forever be grateful to have made  —  even if he’d never lent me a dime, his true, deep and abiding friendship & kindness would have and do mean more to me than any amount of money.  Y’all know that I can never talk realistically about money because it’s gauche and tacky and would cost me my Medicare, (though, somehow, for SOME people, they can get all of the rent paid, cash gifts, cars, etc., from relatives & friends and NOBODY ever looks at THEIR checking accounts or Social Security benefits…  *sigh*  Why wasn’t I born LUCKY, instead of…  well, not brilliant…  or beautiful…  well, why wasn’t I born lucky, instead of OBVIOUS?!??!) but there’s no way in hell than anybody could live on $697/mo. AND have to pay almost $200/mo. in rent on a storage unit where 98% of my remaining belongings have lived for four months (having lost 4/5ths of what I used to have to thieving “auctions” {IRL, not online, not that online auctions are any more legit or less rigged} over the past 9 years), plus truck insurance, utility bills that I’m 3 months behind on, ISP bills that have gotten my ISP address nullified b/c I’m so far behind, vet bills that didn’t do a damned thing to save Biddy, and a bullshit fucking camera ticket that a heartless, class-warfare midget cunt FUCKED me on @ the “administrative law judge hearing” (ever had a bitch give you that up-and-down JUDGEMENT glare whilst you’re hobbling the best you can to follow her petulant dwarf ass into her office?  Yeah, she rendered her verdict before I even caught up to her hating-on-the-amazons MUNCHKIN ass!!!) when I went to fight the fucking THIEVERY ticket that I can’t afford to pay EITHER, PLUS having to pay for either roach motels where strippers get disappeared from and then dismembered into the Gulf, or the aforementioned newly-converted-into-a-whorehouse-with-cracked-out-johns-wandering-and-window-shopping-the-SUPPOSEDLY-secured-attached-campground (and then they see my big white ass  — FIGURATIVELY, NOT NEKKIDLY!!! — in a flimsy little TENT and think that it’s OPEN SEASON!) —  I can’t detail HOW y’all have helped me here (like y’all don’t KNOW, right?), because I could not continue to breathe, walk, exist, etc., WITHOUT MY MEDICARE. No idea when or if I’ll ever be able to repay all of y’all’s kindnesses & generosity, but if that damned Powerball ever kicks-in, I’ll never have to worry about being ILLEGALLY BLACKBALLED FROM NEW ORLEANS PUBLIC/SUBSIDIZED/DISABLED HOUSING, EVER THE FUCK AGAIN!!! And y’all will all recoup your gifts, loans, food, clothing, camping gear, etc., not only in my everlasting and undying love & gratitude, but in cash with interest!  Or maybe I’ll just send everybody a really gorgeous strippergram of whatever flavor y’all prefer…  Suggestions?

And yes, I’m not even a THIRD of the way through with the gratitude, before I can get down to the nitty-gritty explanations & narratives of what my life has been like since I was thrown under the bus by THE crookedest obese cocksucker dog-fucker piece of shit who ever called himself a “lawyer,” let alone a “PRO-BONO” alleged “RESCUING PEOPLE FROM HOMELESSNESS” motherfucker from so-called “LEGAL AID” in New Orleans, if not the PLANET, back in March.  But I knew that I had to send up SOME kind of smoke signal, to let y’all know that I aten’t ded yet, though I’ve often wished that I was, to save y’all’s money from being WASTED in my dozens of futile attempts to find housing in Orleans Parish again (little did I know that the thug-slumlord fucking whores GOSSIP and LIE about a bitch to keep her out of ALL fucking housing, even when it’s not even THEIR CORPORATION anymore!!!  I’ve been fucked-over by slumlords before, and I’ve been blackballed from commercial radio and substitute teaching before {how DARE I be a feminist AND an atheist!!!}, but I never thought that the daily-law-breaking, asses-the-size-of-my-TRUCK, racist, class-warfare, drug-dealer-protecting SCUMSUCKING BITCHES could PREVENT ME FROM EVER GETTING A PLACE TO LIVE, EVER THE FUCK AGAIN!!!!!), AND to escape the humiliations of being an instantly-loathed-by-all-who-see-me homeless white bitch in Orleans Parish or any other parish or nearby county, toofless meth-whore-looking ol’ skank-resembling (‘member when y’all bent over backwards to get me that three-toof partial?  Yeah, it knocked-out all of my OTHER teef, which were already destroyed on the inside from FOURTEEN YEARS OFF & ON FUCKING NARCOTIC PAINKILLERS!!), hoopty-driving-with-the-Clampetts’-style-truck-bed-wif-2%-of-my-earthly-possessions, pathetic old failure with a college degree, who can’t even put a fucking roof over my own head anymore, and there doesn’t appear to be any agency, private, public, municipal, state or federal, that wants to help me FIND another apartment, ever the fuck again.  It’s not just humiliating that I’ve had to beg from my truly-treasured friends, as well as casual acquaintances and total strangers, just to stay alive (‘cause that Mardi Gras Campground/RV Park nearly got me DEAD!) AND to not have to come to the Fallen Uterus for help, seeing as how her oh-so-perfect son, the dog-serial-killing, baby-raping, cokehead cocksucking psychotic midget motherfucker lives, rent-free, satellite-TV-free, utilities-free, in that death cottage that they slapped together when they stole Nannie’s house from her and kept the fucking proceeds of the sale  — and the same “cottage” where Moose Knuckle, the freak who molested HIM before he turned his “talents” upon ME, got THREE FREE YEARS of residence, but when *I* got MY disability settlement, all SIX GRAND of it, my dear darling parents took HALF of it for “BACK RENT.”  Seems fair, right? Anyway, the aforementioned junkie child-abandoning rapist/dog-slaughterer thinks that he OWNS these 3.9 acres already, and that “Nannie’s” death cottage is HIS PROPERTY, and oh, yeah, he’s threatened my life three times already this year, brandishing the oh-so-fearful CHEAP CHINESE BOX-CUTTER that my mother SWEARS that she never saw and was in too much “shock” to tell that animal to get the fuck away from me and/or to stop frothing at the mouth with his sickeningly-detailed perverted fantasies about me fucking black men BEHIND A CONVENIENCE STORE, as well as to stop threatening to kill me right the fuck IN FRONT OF HER.  She was in “too much shock.”  Riiiiiight. And if the fucktard throwback couldn’t-pass-seventh-OR-eleventh-grades SHORT-BUS MOTHERFUCKER ever huffs enough spray paint or drinks enough pussified Jack Daniel’s or whatever it is that makes him think that he’s an actual “man,” when we all know better than that  —  or, with all the money he saves on rent, utilities, etc., he can afford a sizeable portion of crack or cocaine  —  and ever DOES try to make “good” on his death threats (and remind me to tell y’all about the 50+-year-old fucktard in NOLA who fancies himself “in the mafia” who stole all my pain meds and still texts me death threats on my “free” cellphone…) and actually MAKES an attempt on my life?

She’ll be in “too much shock” for her many handguns to be of any use to ME, I feel sure.  See why I believe in MagLites and big pocketknives?  ‘Cause if you can’t even count on your own MAMA to back you up and/or defend you (even at the age of TWENTY MONTHS OLD, when she handed me OVER TO HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE), when the shit hits the fan, you’d damned well better be packing SOMETHING.  I was SUPPOSED to inherit Teh Dick’s .357 magnum revolver (along with his pocketknife/Case knife AND his saddle, neither of which I will ever see again!), so that I’d have SOME feasible self-defense if I wind-up in another campground or homeless shelter or if that dog-slaughtering midget chupacabra comes all 50 yards over here to do me harm, but, of course, before Teh Dick’s ashes were even cold, she’d secretly stolen & given it to Psycho-Cunt, who’d lied about no longer HAVING any firearms up in Montana, b/c of HER shitty taste in male companions.  That gun-nut republiCUNT hasn’t been without a firearm since she was 17 years old, she sure as FUCK didn’t let ANY motherfucker make off with her handguns a little over 2 years ago.  Sorry to keep digressing, it’s late and I’m dain-bramaged as usual.  Two more very important thanks (not that the people whom I haven’t thanked yet AREN’T important, I just can’t find 2 brain cells to rub together tonight to fit everybody into ONE post, so I hope that y’all can be patient with me  —  okay, even MORE patient than usual  — and allow me to try and do it properly in the next post!) before I shut the fuck up for now:  Terrible, my long-standing and ever-reliable buddy up in TRUE yankee country, the man who provides me with the best summer sausage I’ve ever had (ONE dirty joke outta that, and you’re ALL getting an ass-whuppin’, and NO, you will NOT enjoy it!), even as much as I love the Ohio summer sausage shared so many times by Maria of Maumee, Terrible sends me mosquito netting for hurricane season, survival gear for year ‘round, and money that he oughta be keeping for himself (like so many of y’all!), and has for many, MANY moons, and no expression of gratitude would be even remotely close to accurate without him.  Also, a newer member of my nationwide/4-countries-wide family, but a dear and loving friend like no other, the inimitable KWillow, a woman whose generosity knows no bounds, even as she is being driven past the point of normal human patience by everyone around her.  If I can ever FIND an apartment complex that will LET ME IN, she will be the main reason that I’ll be able to make the majority of that deposit and first & last months’ rent.  For someone who only knows me BECAUSE of my online begging/loserdom, she has been a remarkable friend, a warm and kind shoulder upon which I can always lean and/or cry, and a steadfast source of encouragement and aid.  And yes, there are a couple dozen more of you wonderful human beings whom I haven’t thanked yet, but I promise, the next post will be way more about Y’ALL, and way the hell less about my whining, bitching, moaning & complaining, though I’ll try to keep it interesting with a few snippets of the obscenely-ridiculous, hardly-believable-EXCEPT-in-Louisiana-and-or-Texas adventures of my homeless months.

I love and thank you all, from the very bottom of my charred, scarred, gnarled & burnt-to-a-crisp, lump-of-coal-looking excuse for a “heart.”  It ain’t much, but it’s all that I’ve got to share with y’all right now, so I hope that it will at least amuse, if not suffice.

*I know that, to some people, “bulldogger” is a slur against butch lesbians, but in this instance, as with my former usage of the phrase, “mongoloid fucktards,” it is NOT intended as an insult to lesbians of any description, any more than I expected ANYBODY to acquaint the word “mongoloid” with children & adults with Down’s Syndrome.  The word “mongoloid” was so antiquated and associated with severely-fucktarded “medical” jingo from the uber-Freudian days of psychiatric quackery, I never thought that ANYONE would actually, truly associate it with modern-day Down’s people. As with the word, “fucktard,” which, as I noted at the time that I began using it, I’d stolen it from the night shift @ Long Beach Memorial Hospital in Cali, I never intended it to re-invigorate or renew interest in the slur, “retard” whatsoever, though there are some people who blame me for the resurgence of that slur against developmentally-disabled kids and adults.  Really.  Like I’ve ever been read THAT much, or like anybody’s EVER paid THAT much attention to ANYTHING that I’ve ever said.  But back to “bulldogger”  —  in this instance, the bitch that it describes is a big, fat, wasted-Amazon-architecture-on-a-two-legged-bigot-SHIT Neanderthal who uses her job as a WEAPON OF BIGOTRY, bullying, theft and every other fucking federal discrimination & housing law that she breaks on a daily basis.  She doesn’t deserve her job, she’s never EARNED her job, and undoubtedly did something highly illegal to GET her job.  She is a BEAST, not a human being, a hate-mongering, stereotype-encouraging, racist sociopath STALKER who makes Refrigerator Perry look lithe and graceful.  The so-called “social worker” is a short, unattractive bitch with overdyed hair & obvious inferiority issues, since nobody will TRUST her to actually BE a social worker, so she fills some bullshit made-up position for a multinational carpetbagging corporation, and tries to pry personal information out of the residents so that she can use it against them and provide GOSSIP FODDER for the illiterates, drug-dealers, hookers, psychotics, and professional breeders who will NEVER be evicted from that Michaels Corporation housing project.

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  1. 1. Terrible Said:

    Hope to be able to help some again soon. Still say you’d probably safer and so forth up here but do understand about the cold winters.

  2. 2. Anntichrist S Coulter Said:

    Thanks as always, Terrible. Always first & foremost. And yep, I prolly would be a helluva lot safer up thar in the mountains, but I’d dry-up and blow away like 200-year-old onion-skin paper — y’all ain’t got no humidity!

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