Well, fuck me sideways with a chainsaw!!!
Hi, my name is Annti and I’m a moron.
(Crowd responds: “Hi, Annti!”)
This week, I think that I must’ve had a small stroke or something.
There was a computer error with my checking account, and me being death-wish me, I figured that it was either the Social Security nuts inadvertently sending me an extra check this month or one of my slightly-sneaky friends, slipping me some money on the sly.
Turned out to be neither.
And now, with over a hundred bucks in overdraft charges, that I’m in the hole to my bank for four hundred bucks. And I spent it on cigarettes, a couple of small gifts, and food. And a tankful of gasoline.
Personally, I think that it was a frame-up, since I’ve been bitching for the past six months about the fact that this bank shuts down BOTH of its ATMs (and the other bank in town charges $3 to use THEIR machine) on the FIRST and THIRD of EVERY FUCKING MONTH. Y’know why? ‘Cause this hillfuck redneck town is chock-FULL of SSDI/SSI recipients, and they all need their money as soon as it comes in, to pay rent, utilities, etc.
So, in another subtle fuckover in the class wars, they decide to DENY people the money that is full and LEGALLY THEIRS.
And I have been fortunate enough to have really good friends who have bailed me out when I can’t make my $600 a month stretch, especially after The Pestilence moved out. So I have this huge fucking brain fart about an inadvertent pseudo-deposit, and now I’m going to be fucked.
In case anybody wonders, if I should disappear over the next few days, it’s probably becauese the Beastmaster finally had her wet dream come true, and they’ve come to take me to The Home after all.
It’s not easy being an occasional moron. It’s those “normal” days that really throw you the fuck off. I wish that I could have a “wish list” and a “tip jar” on my blog like everbody else can, but from what I know of SSI/SSDI thus far, I can’t. I’m trying to find out more specifics, but it’s not like I have legions of fans/readers/commenters, just straining at the bit to help me out, anyway. And some of the people who HAVE helped me out (even as I’ve begged them NOT to, because I knew that they COULDN’T AFFORD IT) then turn on me and hate me for accepting their largess.
Money fucking sucks. It’s never caused me anything but stress, even though I generally spend most of what passes through my hands on everybody ELSE, it’s never brought me happiness, and it sure as hell hasn’t brought me peace. And when there’s never enough for just the basics, it’s just too easy to wallow in the self-pity and buy shit that doesn’t even matter or shouldn’t matter.
And before anybody asks, no, I’m not going to try the antidepressants again, they don’t work with my brain chemistry, and they’ve been responsible for more than one suicide attempt.
Thanks for hanging in there to listen to me whine through my crash-and-burn death spirals… at almost 36, I’m pretty damned disappointed in myself for doing something this stupid, and for just thinking that it would somehow “work out.” Maybe I really do belong as a ward of the State. I’m sure that there are at least thirty or forty people out there who would more than agree.