Well, fuck me sideways with a chainsaw!!!
Hi, my name is Annti and I’m a moron.
(Crowd responds: “Hi, Annti!”)
This week, I think that I must’ve had a small stroke or something.
There was a computer error with my checking account, and me being death-wish me, I figured that it was either the Social Security nuts inadvertently sending me an extra check this month or one of my slightly-sneaky friends, slipping me some money on the sly.
Turned out to be neither.
And now, with over a hundred bucks in overdraft charges, that I’m in the hole to my bank for four hundred bucks. And I spent it on cigarettes, a couple of small gifts, and food. And a tankful of gasoline.
Personally, I think that it was a frame-up, since I’ve been bitching for the past six months about the fact that this bank shuts down BOTH of its ATMs (and the other bank in town charges $3 to use THEIR machine) on the FIRST and THIRD of EVERY FUCKING MONTH. Y’know why? ‘Cause this hillfuck redneck town is chock-FULL of SSDI/SSI recipients, and they all need their money as soon as it comes in, to pay rent, utilities, etc.
So, in another subtle fuckover in the class wars, they decide to DENY people the money that is full and LEGALLY THEIRS.
And I have been fortunate enough to have really good friends who have bailed me out when I can’t make my $600 a month stretch, especially after The Pestilence moved out. So I have this huge fucking brain fart about an inadvertent pseudo-deposit, and now I’m going to be fucked.
In case anybody wonders, if I should disappear over the next few days, it’s probably becauese the Beastmaster finally had her wet dream come true, and they’ve come to take me to The Home after all.
It’s not easy being an occasional moron. It’s those “normal” days that really throw you the fuck off. I wish that I could have a “wish list” and a “tip jar” on my blog like everbody else can, but from what I know of SSI/SSDI thus far, I can’t. I’m trying to find out more specifics, but it’s not like I have legions of fans/readers/commenters, just straining at the bit to help me out, anyway. And some of the people who HAVE helped me out (even as I’ve begged them NOT to, because I knew that they COULDN’T AFFORD IT) then turn on me and hate me for accepting their largess.
Money fucking sucks. It’s never caused me anything but stress, even though I generally spend most of what passes through my hands on everybody ELSE, it’s never brought me happiness, and it sure as hell hasn’t brought me peace. And when there’s never enough for just the basics, it’s just too easy to wallow in the self-pity and buy shit that doesn’t even matter or shouldn’t matter.
And before anybody asks, no, I’m not going to try the antidepressants again, they don’t work with my brain chemistry, and they’ve been responsible for more than one suicide attempt.
Thanks for hanging in there to listen to me whine through my crash-and-burn death spirals… at almost 36, I’m pretty damned disappointed in myself for doing something this stupid, and for just thinking that it would somehow “work out.” Maybe I really do belong as a ward of the State. I’m sure that there are at least thirty or forty people out there who would more than agree.
September 25th, 2006 at 8:19 am
OH NOOOOOOOOOOO!
i was hoping that you’d somehow gotten what was truly yours. :-(
/rimone xxx
ps, sorry to blog-whore but i get a ‘choose an id’ on every other blogspot site i post on, but not this one. i even tried to use IE *hawk, spit* to see if i’d get a choice but no.
i’m truly sorry that they fucked up (‘computer error’ my fucking ass). and fuck those anti-depressants, especially SSRIs. i was nearly suicidal for almost a year due to circumstances too personal to go into here (you know this shit already). the prescribed anti-d.s that i got made me worse, like sitting w/a razorblade worse. then, fucking finally, i decided to bite the bullet and mailed an offshore pharmacy and bingo, got what i needed/wanted (which worked, bringing me back to me, w/i the first half hour). which is the only way i wound up here (was too goddamn upset to comment much anywhere apart from where i already knew people).
find out about the contribution button, or whatever. i am totally willing to help you out, poor as i am, but still…every little thang counts. and anyway, i wanna, cause i always wanna get my way.
September 25th, 2006 at 7:00 pm
Hey, Annti, I’m in the same boat as you and Psycho (flat friggin broke due to Shrub’s economic miracle), but hang in there. Reading your posts is one of the high points of my day.
Hogs and quiches.
September 25th, 2006 at 9:57 pm
Once a doctor prescribed Zoloft for me. After three days on it I was ready to go Travis Bickle. I decided not to take anymore and in 3 short hours I felt better. When I told him I wouldn’t take that stuff, he said, “Don’t you want to accomplish anything with your life?”
Annti, I’m sorry but you’re no moron. That guy was a moron. Shitloads of money in his pockets and shitloads of empty space in his head. If he’d said it to my face and not over the phone, I’d have accomplished knocking out a few of his teeth, at least.
September 25th, 2006 at 10:14 pm
Check your email, Annti.
September 26th, 2006 at 12:51 am
Thank y’all. Not only for the actual physical help, but also for listening to me whine & bitch and not wanting to kick my ass for it.
And while I’m still not going to put a tip-jar or “donate” button up on the front page, the e-mail address listed in my profile is also my PayPal account, if anybody needs it. The PayPal address is listed as my “wish list,” har dee fuckin’ har har.
Shutting up for now, will write more (and hopefully better) later, waiting to hear about PsychoSister’s biopsy.
Love y’all.
September 26th, 2006 at 5:18 pm
Called the bank today to see about making payment arrangements, so maybe they won’t take my whole fucking check on the 1st & 3rd, but got a damned voicemail.
I’ll let y’all know when I can get my shit together.
September 30th, 2006 at 8:39 pm
Hang in there, Annti, and take care of yourself. You’re one of the sharpest, brightest voices on the internets. Your rants are therapy for us, too, you know.
Did you try different drugs or just one or two? I’m taking Effexor and it’s working out OK for me. There’s still side effects – I’m not as mentally sharp, I let things like paying bills on time slip that I just never did before. I guess that edge of anxiety had its uses. Just saying, different things work for different folks – Prozac made me so whoopy I couldn’t function.
Buffalo Gal
October 1st, 2006 at 5:43 am
NINE.
They don’t work with my brain chemistry. None of ‘em. Antidepressants make me suicidal, and I don’t need any help on that ladder. Painkillers are uppers, and psychotropics are death.
Not even an issue.